Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
