1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she woke up with a sticky ear
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
no you cant smoke seaweed
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
