Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
