In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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