i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
