I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I am available for nakedness
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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