how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
