Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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