turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize