My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
