I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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