I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
