Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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