I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
