Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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