Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
