Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
