I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
