she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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