Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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