I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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