I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
