woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
