i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
