Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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