p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
