I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
