well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
