Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
