Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
