it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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