Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
