Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
