I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
