Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
