A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
