What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
