My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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