dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
