U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
