seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
