the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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