i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
nutella sex= disaster
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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