matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
