I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
