Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
