How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
