i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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