It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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