I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
this just has baby written all over it
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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