I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
